My Portrait from Ten Years Ago

(Izabela Czartoryska – About Myself)

People often spoke of me in society! Some saw me too closely, others from too far away, and rarely was I judged as I truly was. Men were sometimes carried away by my virtues, while women judged me too harshly.

Friendship would overlook my dislikes, envy used me as a pretext for slander, and the indifferent public accepted each opinion in turn, without concern for deeper understanding.

I must first note that happiness has prevailed in my life and in my successes; and if acknowledging that I have had many may seem vain, to deny them would be insincere.

Having reached an age in which one can judge oneself, I also wish to express my own opinion about myself; if self-love blinds me, I agree that friendship may correct what I write only for it.

I was never beautiful, but I was often pretty: I have beautiful eyes, and since all the movements of my soul are reflected in them, it makes my face interesting; I am pale only as much as necessary to have, combined with a blush, sufficient radiance.

My forehead is smooth and does not spoil my face; my nose is neither beautiful nor ugly, but it is just what was needed to shape my physiognomy. I have full lips, white teeth, a pleasant smile, and a nicely defined face. I have enough hair to style easily; it is brown, like my eyebrows. I am rather tall than short; I have a slim figure, a chest too lean, unattractive hands, charming feet, and overall grace in all my movements.

My face is like my mind; the greatest virtue of both is that I always possess them without striving to show them. I have a good heart, an active soul, and a lively imagination.

When I was younger, I was very flirtatious; I am less so with each passing day, yet my femininity still reminds me sometimes of how pleasant it is to be admired. Poor upbringing would have left me with all the impulsiveness nature gave me at birth, but the desire to be loved by everything around me gradually corrects that.

I have a strong measure of self-love; determined audacity could not diminish it, but the rare tact I possess by nature has always protected me and prevented me from risking things in which I was not certain of success. The same tact always guided me so that I rarely undertook actions unlikely to interest or please others.

I have always had a talent for presenting myself, and no woman ever possessed a more subtle and delicate flirtation. Here I honestly confess my faults and am far from justifying them. I was very susceptible to moods and perhaps would have been even more so had I had less common sense. I still retain some of this fault, but since I admit it so honestly, I hope to improve. My feelings are genuine. The friendship I offer to those I love is lively, tender, and constant. No third party or circumstance affects the trust I place in them. My heart has never failed the feeling I consider most suitable to make happiness lasting. I place my friends above myself and never suspect them, because I am overly trusting. Nothing can change my opinion of those I love, and my heart does not detach from them unless compelled by repeated wrongs or persistent ingratitude. I am a good mother and have never had the slightest fault or reproach regarding the unwavering attachment I feel toward my children. My natural mind is fair when I take time to reflect, but my first impulse sometimes misleads me.

I am not stubborn in the long run, but at first, I may be. I have an educated mind, though not as much as might be assumed from hearing me speak. I have certain pleasant talents, but none are perfect. The same tact that ensures I speak appropriately brings value to everything else. I have a poor memory, but I possess a natural sense of taste, sharpened through the company of those I have lived with.

I am inclined to cheerfulness, yet I am deeply affected by what saddens me. I please easily, because I am not demanding. I owe this mainly to my husband and children. My company is trustworthy, and my discretion can withstand any test – I can truthfully say I have never betrayed anyone’s trust.

I am easily moved and cannot bear hatred in my heart. When someone forces me to feel it, I quickly tire of it as a burden and let it be replaced by forgetfulness and indifference. I am easily impatient, yet I control my emotions. I admit I am skillful, but never to deceive. I am active and enjoy being occupied.

For a woman, I have considerable courage and do not lose my head in difficulties or danger. I do not know jealousy; I effortlessly forget personal affronts, but I feel strongly the wrongs done to those I love. I have neither pride nor ambition, but I cannot tolerate any form of humiliation. The dominant feeling in me is the attachment I bear to my homeland. This is a goal to which I bind my entire future: my husband and my children, in my feelings and character, make this goal sacred.

So precious that nothing in the world can detach me from it. This is how I see myself and what I believe I am. Few will read this confession – it will be entrusted only to friendship and thus can be freely supplemented or shortened as desired. If my friends find truth in this portrait, their approval will make me value my virtues more and give me greater zeal to improve my faults.

Written at the age of 37 in Puławy.

Eli Czartoryska

The portrait written at age 37 depicts me as happy and content – yet very severe misfortunes gradually changed my character. The loss of my husband, to whom I owed everything; the death of Zofia, which I cannot reconcile, tore me away from the world and society. After these two misfortunes, I think only of God and [my] children. The countryside gives me pleasure – and at the age of 86, these are my accepted joys.(1831)